Monday, August 29, 2005

Today I pack up my things to begin my 4th and final year of college. I remember all the others years that she came with me on the big move, with all my stuff packed in the van. Last year it was only her and I doing it together: moving in and moving out again. We always fought as we tried to join the hoards of other students and their parents lugging big boxes, TVs, and bedding in old elevators that couldn't fit them all. She'd have a plan to put as much on the kart as possible to make the move faster, while I'd want to make more trips with fewer things to carry each time. But after all the arguing, drama, and chaos, we'd get all my stuff into the room and go to the pizza place downtown for tortellini salad and a white pizza.

So tomorrow as my dad, my brothers, and I lug too many boxes along with the hoards of other people doing the same; I'll think of her and smile at the chaos of it all. And then go have tortellini salad...just like we would have done if she were here.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Fiona introduced me to this site: Bless This Chick. I submitted my online name: PrincessJuls and got back my picture today :)



Edited: Oops they have temporarily suspended submission for names but when they open it up again be sure to check it out!

A Great Many Things

On windy, rainy days...which happen more here in Florida than the tourism boards would like you to believe...my mom and I use to get an array of snacks and sit down and watch movies. If it was especially cold and gloomy it'd be designated as the perfect day to watch Little Women.

During those long, cozy afternoons my mom and I use to talked about all the characters as if we knew them...and mostly praise Jo and complain about how spoiled Amy was. My mom was the definitive Jo...loud, outspoken, confident, but still searching for her real direction in life. There's a single line in the movie that sums up my mom's life perfectly.

When Jo leaves Concord for New York, meets Professor Bhaer, and attends a discussion about current affairs she is told that she should have been a lawyer. Her response to that statement was, "I should have been a great many things, Mr. Mayer".

I can still hear my mom reciting it...and the truth was she was a great many things in her lifetime...and each of those things: mother, friend, carer, protector, advocate, student, wife, daughter, niece, motelier, landscaper, artist...meant so much to so many people. She had such a presence that now, the world seems quieter. But I can still hear the music in my head...a vague mixture of the great many things she was.

I've been thinking about watching Little Women lately, but the weather isn't right...and when it is...it will be a solomn day.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Here We Go Again

As if I didn't have enough on my mind at the moment: Hurricane Katrina Ahhh.

Last year during Hurricane Frances, I think, my mom said in my room with me at school. Of course she talked to everyone...I joked that she met more people in a few days than I had in the previous 2+ years. But she was just that kind of person. I think myself being sentimental about little things of hers...clothes, her van, the message she wrote on the dry erase board in the kitchen just to the right of the computer "Good Monring...Have a Great Day!" I guess I feel if I lose those things I'll lose all of her forever.

What Would Have Been

For the last 3 weeks or so (since coming back home from my second home) I've felt as though I'm living in some alternative reality..kind of like Sliding Doors. Yeah, I know, I love that movie so sue me already.

Anyway, the alternative me that didn't get the tragic news on August 2nd would be on a boeing 747 powered by the almighty Virgin Atlantic Airways on her way back home after almost a month. A part of me wishes I was that girl...that my only tears would be over leaving Pete...that my mom would be at the airport to meet me as I walked over to baggage claim like all the other times before. And with that last sentence a single tear drop streams down my cheek.

But it wasn't meant to be I guess. We had a good week, carefree week together in England. But I guess I was meant to be jolted back into my current reality. It has its advantages...I'm mostly over my double jet lag, I've been able to unpack just in time to re-pack for school. I've gotten to spend time with my bestest friends...especially my faithful Lopez crew including Sara, who is about to leave us for great adventures in Edinburgh.

So, I no longer think of the last 3 weeks as carefree time taken away from me. But rather, extra time given for my last summer ever at home...if things go as planned at the moment. And I guess that's the last gift my mom could give me...but I still wish she didn't have to. But that's life...and death.
I guess its just on the mac that the dates after the first post aren't in the blue heading boxes? Probably. Now with all that work I don't even know if I like it that much LOL better leave it for now after spending all day yesterday figuring the coding out!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Can anyone good with coding help me? I'm trying to change my blog template to this one but I'm having trouble with the coding of it...ie how to get my blog content to fit into the frames where they're suppose to be. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Here's another song that makes me think all that has happened in the past 3 weeks:

Wake Me Up When September Ends ~ Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Monday, August 22, 2005

Live Like You Were Dying

I heard this song on the radio today and had to sing along. It reminded me of my mom turning it up and singing along to it, me rolling my eyes and telling her to stop. But today I sang along, and couldn't help crying when I got to the chorus. My mom got the chance to live like she was dying twice...once while she was fighting breast cancer in 1998 and again in the last few months, only she didn't know it the second time. Anyway, this isn't suppose to be depressing, I swear.

Live Like You Were Dying ~ Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

Friday, August 19, 2005

If you're reading this it means I resisted all urges to take my return trip to England with Pete, even after the airport attendant tempting me with "are you sure?" and "this is your last chance...". I knew I had to stay, but I wished I could go just get away from reality again for a little while. But there are papers to go through, bags to pack, and a new room to be moved into soon. All without her. These past two weeks have been by far the hardest of my life, and yet I feel strangely independent and scared of that. I guess I'll survive because the alternative can't be better, can it? Probably not. I should probably write this in the journal Kamie sent me, instead of on here, but in a way I don't want to be alone with my thoughts...Does that make any sense?

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Today Pete's leaving, the worst part is I have a ticket too but no way to get home from England if I go. Its like torture, a part of me just wants to hop on the plane and not think about anything else. But the other part of me knows I have to stay here, get this place cleaned up, get ready for school, and finish my last year. The little things make me miss my mom the most, a pair of her gardening shoes on the steps of an apartment at the motel, the back porch where she use to spend most of her time. Its getting easier every day, but it still hurts like hell. I might go to her niche later today just to spend some time thinking about her. I just wish I got to say goodbye.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Bless This Woman

Tomorrow we're placing my mom's ashes in a niche at a local cemetary, the spot is overlooking the beautiful garden and facing a magnolia tree like the ones in our backyard. The other day I got this breast cancer pin to place in the niche as a momento as my mom was a breast cancer survivor:



You can read a bit about the pin here.

Mother and Daughter



The day before we came back home, Pete bought me this figurine to remember my mom by. Just thought I'd share it with you all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Day the Music Died

Thanks for all your support, the emails and tags on here, and for those who have sent flowers and cards. My mom passed away unexpectedly a week ago yesterday. They suspect it was a heart attack, though we haven't gotten the official word in yet. To anyone who knew her, or anyone that even heard about her, my mom was an amazing person. She had such a presence and gave so much to so many people that everyone feels lost without her, me most of all. We had a special bond, which I use to say meant that she made me do everything, but now I see it was in preparation for her being gone.

Pete and I were in England when it happened. We'd gone into Basildon to do some shopping, just for things we wanted to pick up. We went to a few DVD shops, he had to go the Job Center, and then we went to Asda (which is owned by Walmart). As we approached the CD/DVD section his mobile phone rang. We thought I'd be his friend Kate, but it was his mum. I remember Pete saying something about me not being on the phone with him but close, and then he told me to wait there while he walked away about 20 ft. I remember his face from that far away and I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't tell me what it was, which annoyed me because I thought it was about someone in his family. He said his mum was picking us up at a certain spot so we raced in that direction passed the crowds of people. I'm usually good under stress but I had to tell him to slow down because I felt numb and couldn't breathe. I guess we both looked in a state because a man who walked passed us asked if everything was alright. We got into his mum's car and drove home, I remember being so worried about Pete if something happened to one of his family members or friends. We got in the house, and I remember Pete's mum asking him if he wanted to tell me or if he wanted her to. That's when I knew it had to do with me. He took me into his room, closed the door, and made me put my bag on the floor.

It was the most surreal moment of my life. I remember him telling me the news, me wailing and him crying. Then I went numb and became frantic to get in touch with someone at home.

We got a charter flight out of London last Thursday and arrived around 3pm in the afternoon. The viewing was on Friday and the funeral on Saturday. Everyday is a little better and I get use to her not being here with us in person, but I know her spirit is with all of us and in every life that she touched.

Monday, August 08, 2005

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of My Mom

Barbara Ann

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

February 2, 1956 - August 2, 2005

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has
Breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I've been here a week now, its gone by fast but at the same time I feels like I've been here for ages and still have 3 weeks and a day to go. Been shopping a bit at Next the first day I was here and got:








And Lin got me this bag: