Rest in Peace

My dad's brother, David, passed away today. He had cancer, although they don't know if he knew he had it but he slipped into a coma and passed away. I cried because life is just so unfair, and I know how his wife and children feel and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. RIP Uncle David.

Not too much to say but aren't we adorable? ;)

First and foremost...a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish to Sara!! Eddie will be here soon and I shall enjoy him before passing him on!! (This is in reference to Eddie Izzard, the comedian, on DVD...and is nothing dirty!)

Well I think I'm having an identity crisis. I just don't know who I am or what I want. Sometimes I think I want to stay here, be with my family, etc. and then I end up spending the whole weekend alone looking after the dogs and cleaning the house. I know everyone's busy but I just feel so alone. At least in England my mad in-laws are always doing something we can be included in, and there are the age old social gatherings of candle parties...which basically are the same as any other party to my in-laws...and excuse to drink, and the candles are an added bonus.

So I don't know. I'm thinking I'll stick with our current plan: me moving to England, then if we decided to move back we go through the visa process in reverse. That way we both can work (assuming we get jobs!) so that we MIGHT/MAYBE be able to afford our own place in the next 100 years. Oh yeah.

Well, back to my current life...including a messy and cold dorm room, a shower that has to be heated up, and Mass Media Ethics and Law at 10am.

New Template...yet again! Any thoughts??? I like it so I guess thats all that matters really ;)

My friend Steph let me borrow her copy of The Wedding Date>. I don't think the movie ever made it to cinemas or if it did it was only there for a little while. I have to say I really like it, but then again I like small, kind of quirky movies like that. My rating: 6 out of 10 Stars :)

10 Years Ago

I was 11 and just starting 6th grade at OLL..I had tons of homework to do everynight...somethings never change! I started having a crush on Mike Metz..which lasted far too long! My sister had just gotten married in June...I thought 23 was way too young to get married (LOL).

5 Years Ago

I was 16 and starting my junior year at Lopez. I became better friends with Sara because we had English Honors class together. I had known Pete for almost 2 years, and my mom and I went to England for the first time to meet his family in June/July of that year.

1 Year Ago

I was starting my junior year at college. We were being hit by what number 2 or 3 of the 4 or 5 hurricanes we had in 2004! My mom was staying in my dorm room with me, after we had driven all the way up to Georgia and decided to come back again all in the same day. We were just thinking about wedding plans and didn't have anything booked (well we don't have much now but anyway...)

Yesterday

Went to class, ate, read for Mass Media Ethics...and watched 4 Weddings and a Funeral.

5 Snacks I Enjoy

Le Creme Yogurt, Reeses, Cadburys in the UK, Guylian seashells, and sour cream & onion potato chips.

5 Songs I Know All The Words To

Ummm Elton John songs (yes I'm sad), When You Say Nothing At All (Ronan Keating), almost all of the songs off the latest U2 CD because I always have it playing in my car...

5 Things I Would Do With $100 Million

Donate to Breast Cancer Research, the American Cancer Society, Humane Society etc. Buy a house in the US and the UK, buy another house in each for each family to stay in when they visit. Pay off the house for my dad. Spend a lot decorating the houses I bought. Put some in savings and then just blow the rest on stuff I really don't need hehe.

5 Things I Would Never Wear

Gigantic gold hoop earrings, crop tops, 4+ inch heels, anything with a lot of furriness to it.

5 Favo(u)rite TV Shows

Ab Fab, Mad About You, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, Friends

5 Biggest Joys

Pete, spending time with my family, traveling by plane, spending time with Pete's family, and I guess the wedding will be...

5 Favourite Toys

DVD player, Computer/Internet, TV, my car, digital camera.

5 People I Tag (meaning online friends I visit)

Gem, Jennie, Fiona, Miriam, Sarah (Ace's wife)...and a whole lot more!

So here I am...

I think I'm going to change the template for this blog over the weekend. Been considering closing it down but I think I'll just start a new one after the wedding, mostly about us being married, living together, probably living in England (we're back to debating this again but for now we've decided to stick to our original plan). But this template never really formatted well and I've downloaded another one from the same site so hopefully that'll work better.

Avoiding reading, its only the first full week of school and I just can't catch up with it. So glad I'm only taking 4 classes this semester! I guess all that busting my butt in previous semesters paid off..but I still feel totally overwhelmed. Oh well I'll get through it.

Been having dreams but also sleeping pretty good so I don't feel totally drained most of the time. I think I'm getting sick...or it might just be from my wisdom teeth coming in (I think my mom told me once that she felt the same kind of pressure and pain in her ears and throat when hers were coming in.)

If my mom were still around she'd probably be in New Orleans helping the Katrina victims. She'd probably load her van up with old bedspreads from the motel, that huge supply of canned goods she always kept in the house in case of such emergencies, and other stuff and drive up there. Then she'd probably bring people back with her, give them rooms at the motel to stay, and let them help out around there for payment. That's just the kind of person she was and I think thats what I miss most about her.

Today in my weird Great Short Stories class the wacko professor asked the question: "Have you ever really felt your parents' love?" And I started tearing up because I always did from my mom. In the few months before her death especially, she would say she loved me and when I would say it back she would reply: "You don't have to say anything in return, I just wanted to tell you that." And when I would get upset about anything major...most recently over my Uncle's partner's death in July... I remember how she would hug me as I was sobbing and she would hug me so tight sometimes I couldn't breath. And all these thoughts came flooding back to me in class. And just like I'm doing now...my eyes welled up with tears.

I slept good last night..yay! Didn't go to sleep at all until 11pm and then got up at 7am yay.

So before I left for England, my mom got me this 27" TV with Dvd player and VCR all-in-one to bring to school with me. Well...I tried to use the dvd player last night to watch an episode or 2 of Mad About You or Seinfeld before bed. And the DVD player didn't play either disk...it sounded as though it was about to and then something to stuck and it started to make a clicking noise.

So I tried other DVDs. The only DVDs that would work were those that are 2 sided you know the ones, mostly for older films that have standard screen size and wide screen size on different sides of the disc. And Sliding Doors worked too...but that wasn't 2 sides it just didn't have an image label on the front, just the title of the movie on the disc itself. So does anyone know if its possible for a DVD player not to play dvds with labels on them? Or maybe the ones I picked just weren't clean enough or something? I'm confused!

So my procrastination tactics begin early...I should be reading Madame Bovard but I'm blogging instead...surprise, surprise.

I moved into my new room on Tuesday, and classes began yesterday. I'm taking 3 english/literature classes and 1 communications class. I have 12 novels to read, in addition to other text books. Plus I'm doing the paper again this semester, so I actually have stuff to put in my portfolio in the spring.

My sleep patterns still haven't regulated...last night I had a nightmare which wasn't even about my mom. Actually my mom was still alive in it, but my niece and nephew died. Talk about shocking, I almost had to call my sister up to make sure they were fine. Other than that I don't have dreams, I just can't sleep. At home I was getting into a pattern of one night I wouldn't fall asleep until 1am and get up at least around 7am at the latest, and then next I would go fall asleep on the couch watching tv around 8pm and wake up, and go to bed around midnight, and then get up around 6am. Since I've been at school though I've been falling asleep around 9pm...waking up around 11:30 and then going to bed...and getting up around 6:30am.

Other than that things are good here, I still feel like there's a part of me missing. I don't feel as lost as I did when it first happened, I feel a bit more independent, but a bit detached from everything as well.

Today I pack up my things to begin my 4th and final year of college. I remember all the others years that she came with me on the big move, with all my stuff packed in the van. Last year it was only her and I doing it together: moving in and moving out again. We always fought as we tried to join the hoards of other students and their parents lugging big boxes, TVs, and bedding in old elevators that couldn't fit them all. She'd have a plan to put as much on the kart as possible to make the move faster, while I'd want to make more trips with fewer things to carry each time. But after all the arguing, drama, and chaos, we'd get all my stuff into the room and go to the pizza place downtown for tortellini salad and a white pizza.

So tomorrow as my dad, my brothers, and I lug too many boxes along with the hoards of other people doing the same; I'll think of her and smile at the chaos of it all. And then go have tortellini salad...just like we would have done if she were here.

Fiona introduced me to this site: Bless This Chick. I submitted my online name: PrincessJuls and got back my picture today :)



Edited: Oops they have temporarily suspended submission for names but when they open it up again be sure to check it out!

A Great Many Things

On windy, rainy days...which happen more here in Florida than the tourism boards would like you to believe...my mom and I use to get an array of snacks and sit down and watch movies. If it was especially cold and gloomy it'd be designated as the perfect day to watch Little Women.

During those long, cozy afternoons my mom and I use to talked about all the characters as if we knew them...and mostly praise Jo and complain about how spoiled Amy was. My mom was the definitive Jo...loud, outspoken, confident, but still searching for her real direction in life. There's a single line in the movie that sums up my mom's life perfectly.

When Jo leaves Concord for New York, meets Professor Bhaer, and attends a discussion about current affairs she is told that she should have been a lawyer. Her response to that statement was, "I should have been a great many things, Mr. Mayer".

I can still hear my mom reciting it...and the truth was she was a great many things in her lifetime...and each of those things: mother, friend, carer, protector, advocate, student, wife, daughter, niece, motelier, landscaper, artist...meant so much to so many people. She had such a presence that now, the world seems quieter. But I can still hear the music in my head...a vague mixture of the great many things she was.

I've been thinking about watching Little Women lately, but the weather isn't right...and when it is...it will be a solomn day.

Here We Go Again

As if I didn't have enough on my mind at the moment: Hurricane Katrina Ahhh.

Last year during Hurricane Frances, I think, my mom said in my room with me at school. Of course she talked to everyone...I joked that she met more people in a few days than I had in the previous 2+ years. But she was just that kind of person. I think myself being sentimental about little things of hers...clothes, her van, the message she wrote on the dry erase board in the kitchen just to the right of the computer "Good Monring...Have a Great Day!" I guess I feel if I lose those things I'll lose all of her forever.

What Would Have Been

For the last 3 weeks or so (since coming back home from my second home) I've felt as though I'm living in some alternative reality..kind of like Sliding Doors. Yeah, I know, I love that movie so sue me already.

Anyway, the alternative me that didn't get the tragic news on August 2nd would be on a boeing 747 powered by the almighty Virgin Atlantic Airways on her way back home after almost a month. A part of me wishes I was that girl...that my only tears would be over leaving Pete...that my mom would be at the airport to meet me as I walked over to baggage claim like all the other times before. And with that last sentence a single tear drop streams down my cheek.

But it wasn't meant to be I guess. We had a good week, carefree week together in England. But I guess I was meant to be jolted back into my current reality. It has its advantages...I'm mostly over my double jet lag, I've been able to unpack just in time to re-pack for school. I've gotten to spend time with my bestest friends...especially my faithful Lopez crew including Sara, who is about to leave us for great adventures in Edinburgh.

So, I no longer think of the last 3 weeks as carefree time taken away from me. But rather, extra time given for my last summer ever at home...if things go as planned at the moment. And I guess that's the last gift my mom could give me...but I still wish she didn't have to. But that's life...and death.

I guess its just on the mac that the dates after the first post aren't in the blue heading boxes? Probably. Now with all that work I don't even know if I like it that much LOL better leave it for now after spending all day yesterday figuring the coding out!

Can anyone good with coding help me? I'm trying to change my blog template to this one but I'm having trouble with the coding of it...ie how to get my blog content to fit into the frames where they're suppose to be. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Here's another song that makes me think all that has happened in the past 3 weeks:

Wake Me Up When September Ends ~ Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Live Like You Were Dying

I heard this song on the radio today and had to sing along. It reminded me of my mom turning it up and singing along to it, me rolling my eyes and telling her to stop. But today I sang along, and couldn't help crying when I got to the chorus. My mom got the chance to live like she was dying twice...once while she was fighting breast cancer in 1998 and again in the last few months, only she didn't know it the second time. Anyway, this isn't suppose to be depressing, I swear.

Live Like You Were Dying ~ Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

If you're reading this it means I resisted all urges to take my return trip to England with Pete, even after the airport attendant tempting me with "are you sure?" and "this is your last chance...". I knew I had to stay, but I wished I could go just get away from reality again for a little while. But there are papers to go through, bags to pack, and a new room to be moved into soon. All without her. These past two weeks have been by far the hardest of my life, and yet I feel strangely independent and scared of that. I guess I'll survive because the alternative can't be better, can it? Probably not. I should probably write this in the journal Kamie sent me, instead of on here, but in a way I don't want to be alone with my thoughts...Does that make any sense?

Today Pete's leaving, the worst part is I have a ticket too but no way to get home from England if I go. Its like torture, a part of me just wants to hop on the plane and not think about anything else. But the other part of me knows I have to stay here, get this place cleaned up, get ready for school, and finish my last year. The little things make me miss my mom the most, a pair of her gardening shoes on the steps of an apartment at the motel, the back porch where she use to spend most of her time. Its getting easier every day, but it still hurts like hell. I might go to her niche later today just to spend some time thinking about her. I just wish I got to say goodbye.