Monsoon Wedding

I watched this movie this morning as I procrastinated. I like it, some people are bothered by subtitles in films but I didn't have a hard time understanding what was going on. I'm not sure if it lived up to all my expectations though, as I heard so much about this film. I think it did a really good job of illustrating the idea that wedding preparations are stressful no matter what culture you're in, something I can definitely related to at the moment. I give it a 7 out of 10 rating.

Two Weeks

So two weeks from today Pete and I will be married, which seems quite surreal but realistic all at the same time. Unfortunately he's leaving 5 days after the wedding, but I won't dwell on that until after the 'big day.' Thought it be good to do a little timeline of our relationship from the beginning, in case anyone doesn't know (not sure if there is such a person in the world, nevermind the blogging community). So here it goes, a quick and dirty version:

October or November 1998: Pete and I met online sometime probably in mid-October and chatted on the weekends a lot. In mid to late November we were debating on whether or not we wanted to be "more than friends" and we started "dating" online.

Early December 1998: My family's kitchen has a fire and I'm computer-less for over a month, at this point I didn't have Pete's phone number and had lost the address he gave me so we had no contact during that time.

Early January 1999: I got back online and explained what happened to Pete, we became closer and "a couple." At this point no one new about us in our families or anything.

Fast Forward....

October 1999: We talked on the phone for the first time, since I have a speech impediment and was very leery about talking to Pete on the phone, until we did talk on the phone and everything was fine. We started making plan for him to come over for Valentine's Day 2000. This meant actually telling our families about "us" not sure if they thought it was serious or not.

January 2000: Pete booked his flight to come over for 2 weeks in early to mid February! We'd finally meet in person!

February 4, 2000: Pete arrives in Orlando, unfortunately my mom and I are 3 hours late picking him up because we had a flat tire and didn't have the cell phone with us at the time (or did we even have one? back in the day when not everyone had them!) But we finally got there and met up with Pete :) We had a good visit, spent our first and only Valentine's day together so far! Started talking about my mom and I going to England in the summer as my 16th birthday present :)

June - July 2000: My mom and I visit Pete and his family in England. This is when everyone probably realized it was a bit serious...I think our mothers talked about "us" when they were in the car once and how both of us were pretty serious about relationships and didn't really take these things lightly ;) My mom and I got free tickets on our way back for taking a later connecting flight so we'd definitely be back woohoo!

December 2000: Pete's first Christmas in Florida with me and my family :)

June 2001: I went back to England to spend a month with Pete and his family. My mom came over for the last week of my stay...

December 2001: My first Christmas in England with Pete and his family :)

July 2002: I bought Pete a ticket to come over to visit for his birthday he was here from mid July to mid August :)

December 2002: After my first semester at college, I went over to England for two weeks after Christmas

June 2003: I went over to England for 5 weeks...the day I arrived June 28th...Pete asked me to marry him :)

December 2003: Pete came here again for Christmas :)

June 2004: I went over again for a 5 week stay...we started talking more about the wedding and what we wanted to do in the future.

December 2004: Another English Christmas :)

July 2005: I go to England after completing my internship, I was suppose to stay a month but had to come home after a week because my mom passed away, Pete came back with me for two weeks and was probably my saving grace during that time.

December 2005: I went to England for 2 weeks before Christmas :)

Now: 2 weeks until we get married!!!!!!!!!!!! After that we're still not sure but probably doing the UK immigration thing in July or so. Not too much time apart left!

Your Birthdate: May 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Wedding???? What Wedding????!

Oh good god it's getting close!!



I should really blog about it but I'm way too stressed out about the issue to contemplate writing it all down. I know its the final weeks leading up to "the happiest day of our lives" or whatever and I should cherish the moments but at this point I wish it was over already!

Friends with Money

My friend Steph and I went to see this movie tonight as part of my belated birthday celebration. It was very bluntly humorous in parts but the ending was a bit random. Other than that its really difficult to describe! Rating: 5 out of 10

Working Girl

I'm currently working for the month of May at the place where I did my internship last summer. AND they're paying me. I'm working 3-4 days a week 9am - 5pm. I feel like a proper adult, and I don't think I like it lol.

In other news, my birthday is Tuesday! Which is weird, it doesn't feel like my birthday is coming up. I guess its still the year of "non-holidays" since my mom died. Or maybe I'm just getting older to where birthdays don't matter as much. It probably won't be much of a celebration, I'm not having the family party until after my brother's high school graduation (so we can do all the celebrations together as per usual with my family). And I have work that day, but I might see if my dad wants to take me to lunch or dinner that day. Pete's package for me won't arrive on time, he's getting me a DVD and the online company he orders from is CRAP and it hasn't arrive to him yet :( Oh well.

But a month and a day after my birthday is THE WEDDING!!! I haven't updated my wedding blog in ages but if you flick my Flickr badge you should be able to see some wedding planning pics...if you're not on my friends list let me know and I'll invite you to be on it (if I know you).

It finally happened

As of yesterday, I'm a college graduate...eeek!!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

The cake was made by my uncle's girlfriend. Check out my Flickr badge for more details on it.

She Reminds Me

This past week has been a very stressful one for me, having pretty much everything due on Tuesday, Wednesday (especially), and Thursday. Plus I still fighting a cold/flu which it seems like I've had for ages now. I haven't been sharing my stress with others (apart from similarly stressed-looking classmates in the halls) but not with anyone close. Its something I would have complained to my mom about, and I miss the advice she would give. She would basically tell me to stop whining and get to work already, but I miss that in a way I never thought I would.

I know she's always with me, but I need reminding sometimes. Last night on the way back from a friend's house she did just that. I'm not a very religious person so I'm thinking it was fate or her spirit that did it, but whatever it was I couldn't deny it. The months before she died, my mom said she wanted to dance with me at the wedding to a particular song that she heard which summed up her feelings about me and our relationship. Last night I heard it on the radio...

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Thanks mom :)

Graduation Ahead

I'm graduating Next Saturday! Very scary. I've been super busy the last few days and now I'm sure tired...I'll update more when I can think properly!

Stupid People with too much time on their hands

Some people just have WAY too much time on their hands: Crazy Shopping Divider Lady

I knew there was a reason I never use to watch the Dr. Phil Show...

The International City Me...

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Your personality type is RLOEN

You are moderately reserved, moody, organized, egocentric, and moderately non-intellecutal, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Boston Area, Long Island, Greenville/Spartanburg, Washington DC, New York City, Baltimore, Philadelphia Area, Los Angeles Area, Orlando, Cincinnati, Louisville and these international countries/regions Switzerland, Hungary, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Ukraine, Guam, Thailand, Austria, Singapore, Portugal, Slovenia, Brazil, South Korea, Denmark, Malaysia, Philippines

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
City Reviews at CityCulture.org

Failure to Launch

Went to see this last night with my friend Steph. It was really cute and funny, better than I expected, but then again I like obscure romantic comedies ;) 8 out of 10 stars.

Now back to the 'real world:' I have 2 papers, 3 projects, and a few finals in the next 3 weeks! But then I GRADUATE! Where has the time gone?!

It's Me!

Following Kamie's latest post, I made one too:

Happy St. Patrick's Day

It's the first one without my mom, which is weird. Lots of memories of corned beef and cabbage and green milkshakes.

Us back on this day in 2003:

My Life in Lists

Found on Fiona's blog:

* Four Jobs you have had in your life... *
1. Motel Maid
2. Communications and Internet Dept Intern
3. Freelance copywriter/editor - currently with an online company.
4. Student

* Four Movies you could watch over and over...*
1. Sliding Doors
2. Pride and Prejudice (2005)
3. Love Actually
4. Four Weddings and a Funeral

* Four places you have lived...*
1. Flanders, NJ
2. Ormond Beach, FL
3. St. Augustine, FL
4. Essex, England (bi-annually for a month or so at least)

* Four TV Shows you love to watch...*
1. What Not to Wear
2. That 70's Show
3. Law and Order
4. Seinfeild

* Four places you have been on vacation.*
1. Orlando, Florida
2. Amsterdam, Holland
3. Essex, England
4. New York, New York

* Four websites you visit daily...*
1. My Forums
2. Hotmail
3. My Blog Friends
4. Flickr

* Four of your favorite foods..*
1. London Broil
2. Chinese
3. Good Pizza
4. Mexican food

* Four places you would rather be right now...*
1. With Pete
2. Somewhere relaxing
3. Getting something to Eat - I'm starving!
4. With family and friends

Pride and Prejudice...

I feel like I am living and breathing the story of Austen's most famous novel at the moment, so why not have a blog skin of it right?! This one is AWESOME! The reason why I'm living and breathing it is because I'm doing a 20 page paper on Colin Firth's role in 20th Century Adaptions of the story: the BBC/A&E 1995 Production, his minor mention in Bridget Jones Edge of Reason (the book), his role in both the Bridget Jones movies as Mark Darcy; and the impact these roles have had on the popularity of the P&P. Oh and probably a bit at the end comparing him with the Darcy character in the 2005 version :)

My Fears Have Been Confirmed...

I'm officially growing up! I'm one of those people that were born old, like my mother before me I've always had an internal wisdom and sensibility...not sure if I got that last bit from my mom though. So these recent confirmations that I am, in fact, growing up have surprised me more than I thought they ever would. Beyond graduating college, and getting married, there are little things that prove I'm suddenly being thrown into adulthood:

1. I renewed my drivers license...which means I've had it for almost 6 years! Now I'm legally allowed to drive until 2012...which seems like another century from now but alas it'll be here before I know it. Oh and what's up with the new drivers licenses by the way?! Are they high tech or what!



2. I've taken to drinking coffee...not just my usual tall, white chocolate mocha (which is more sugar and milk than java), but plain old 'two sugars and 2% milk' eat your stomach out by the age of 50 - coffee.

Oh and I applied for another credit card, which probably isn't the most grown up thing to do afterall but it might come in handy.

Describe me...

From Jennie's link: Princess Juls's Johari Window

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

So this is what it feels like...

Fear. Excitement. Anxiety. Joy.

I'm a big bundle of emotions as my 'college career' comes to a close and the months and days tick down until the wedding. I don't know what to think anymore.

The reality of the situation hit when I had to fill out one of those green forms to return to student service. I wrote my name, checked the "NOT RETURNING" option, and then checked the "GRADUATING" option. Oh god, it is really happening isn't it?

Later in the week, ie today, I had another milestone moment. There stacked in their box were the wedding invitations: printed, stamped, just waiting to be slapped with silver return address labels and on the journey to the great beyond. Said address labels finally arrived today, so I slapped them on quickly...but then I froze. This is the big step, no turning back now (well technically we could, but people would be really pissed off, especially those with travel arrangements already book). I finally gathered up the courage to send them, armed with 20 or so invitation sized envelopes I made my way to the blue mailbox. I paused for a minute, then quickly did the deed before I lost my nerve. I opened the little drawer, placed the stack in there, and then flicked the lid. There goes nothing...now I wait for replies.

Post-Valentine's Day

Well in a weird and ironic twist of fate, Pete's package to me arrived a day early, but my package to him has yet to get there :( Damn the USPS and royal mail! So I'm done with my Cadbury's valentines milk tray selection box, and on to the 3rd disc of season two of Sex and the City yay. Its very addictive!

Valentine's Day

So this will be my last Valentine's Day all on my lonesome, eating chocolates and watching "Sex and the City." Well, that's if my package from Pete arrives on time via the miracle of the Royal Mail and USPS. Valentine's Day has to be one of the biggest mail days of the year, especially all those boxed flowers delivered by Fed Ex. Hmph and I'm working in the mailroom on Tuesday ie V-Day...wonderful! Luckily that's my hour and a half day, then I got to class for 2 and a half hours and learn about International Communication/Media which is pretty cool. There really is no point to this post, I'm just trying to keep from becoming one of those people who leaves their blog up because they can't let go, but never updates. And those of you who do that, yes I'm talking to you! Update your blog or shut it down...when I'm bored I like to look for updates and its depressing when no one has any! Grrr. Back to my regularly scheduled Saturday night programming of watching a movie and baking cookies yum!

I'm burnt out...

And its only the first part of the semester. I just can't get motivated, I'm always tired, and basically I just don't care. It's my last semester as an undergraduate! I say that because at some point I want to go back for my master's probably, but not yet. Things are moving slowly with both school and the wedding, and I'm a bit fed up with both. I just want it to be July, want to have a job and finally be with Pete for good. I really miss him. This week is a tough week anyway, Thursday is my mom's 50th birthday and 6 months since she passed away. I miss her a lot too, but in a more final way. It's getting to where I can't really remember the physical presence of her sometimes, while at other times I can remember it specifically even to the way she coughed. I'm working on a website for her, wanted to have it done for her birthday but that won't happen, its A Great Many Things if anyone wanted to check it out and sign the guest book.

Self-Portrait

I've been pretty crap at blogging, nothing exciting to report. Just trying to get back in the swing of things with my last semester of college underway and preparing for the wedding! I was going to blog about a lot of things but never really put it down. Maybe I've out-grown this blog? The template is annoying too, have to change it but can't find one I like - bah!

Rumor Has It

Went to go see this movie with Sara on Tuesday night. We didn't know what to expect because we went to see just because I was starting at the time we got to the theater. It was really cute and funny though. I'm usually not a bit Jennifer Aniston fan but she was good in this movie. I give it an 8 out of 10.

Happy New Year

Hope everyone has a happy and safe new year's eve and the best for 2006!!

So Christmas is over. I'm fighting jetlag from my transatlantic journey back home on Dec 23rd. Until last night, my room looked like an explosion hurled clothes and random presents all over my bed. It looked worse than it was by far! The new year is approaching, and god lets hope 2006 is better than this year has been! The wedding is rapidly approaching as well, and I'm very torn about what I want, and stressed out about our current situation (of not having jobs and not knowing where we'll end up after the 'big day'). Once upon a time we had it all planned, but we all know the saying about best laid plans.

In other news, I'm looking for a new design for my blog and ironically my MIL2B had Christmas cards with the picture from my current design, so I snagged one from her...because that picture is just too funny ;)

My Grades

Literature and Women: A

Mass Media Ethics and Law: A

Great Short Stories: A

Romantic and Victorian Literature: A

Yup I got ALL A's!!!! Very exciting as I haven't ever gotten all A's at college and this past semester has been very emotional. ;)

Pond Hopping

I've been in England since Sunday morning :)

About half way through my trip as I'll only be here until the 23rd of Dec. In a way I wish I was staying longer but I feel like I should be home for Christmas. Its been tough, because I feel the more normal here than I have in a long time and going home will just make me dwell on everything again. But oh well. This weekend is Christmas 0.5 hehe so that'll be fun. Haven't really been up to much else, I probably won't post again until after Christmas but just wanted to let everyone know I was here safe and sound :)

Thought I'd update, will probably be the last time before I go to England (on Saturday). This week is finals week so my schedule for the next 4 days is:

Monday: Mass Media Ethics and Law Final @ 10am
Then work from 1 -3 pm

Tuesday: Work from 9am - 11am. Then work on papers due Weds & Thurs

Weds: Work from 10am - 12pm. Women and Literature final @ 2pm and turn in paper.

Thurs: Romantic and Victorian Lit Final @ 10am - turn in learning letter and paper. Think I signed up to work then but I'll say I can't come in.

Pack to go home, check out of dorms, leave - probably around 5pm or so.

Then I'll be home Friday and leave for England on Saturday. But I'll be back on the 23rd right in time for Christmas.

Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! Mine was ok. Got some Christmas shopping done on Friday, and looked around in the mall yesterday. I'm officially really really broke! Luckily I don't think either family is going all out for Christmas this year (Pete's are saving up to come over for the wedding in June :) ) so we'll have a low key Christmas all around. I had all intentions of finishing my Christmas cards but that'll have to wait I guess. Been feeling depressed and unmotivated which is understandable I guess. And on top of everything I have a cold/flu bug! The next two weeks are going to be hell as far as school but then I'm off to England for 2 weeks so that's something to be happy about! yay!

New Template

How does it look? I tried it on a PC in the library yesterday and it looked all messed up but i'm my mac and it looks fine now. If it looks messed up let me know, and if anyone knows anything about HTML let me know how to fix it if it looks messed up. Thanks!

Feeling Human

I know I get enough sleep, I guess my complaint is that the scheduling of it is all over the place. Yeah I should go to a DR but I have no time right now and won't until after Christmas. Maybe then, I dunno. Slept from 8pm til 12am last night then went back to bed and got up at 6:45 I can live with that. So today I feel human.

Tiredness

I haven't had a good nights sleep in almost 4 months. I've never been on to have trouble sleeping...remember I was the girl who was sleeping on a bench in Disney at Grad Night back in the day. Thin lines have started to appear under my eyes, the dark circles are getting worse. I don't want to sleep like this, but I can't help it. I try staying up, sometimes I make it until midnight but then I sleep and am up again by 7am. So at night I'm exhausted and usually crash around 10:30 - which means waking up at around 6:30. When I'm home I usually crash on the couch watching TV ie last night I probably feel asleep around 9:30pm and kept waking up and watching bits of Law and Order then dozing off again. Argh. So I was up at 5:45am this morning. Argh Argh Argh. Should probably read or something, I stayed at home last night so I have to drive back to school this morning, after my brother leaves for school I'll probably shower and get going so at least I get something accomplished by 10am today.

Senioritis

The other day my brother said how he had senioritis in High School. Ah simplier times when everything was great. What I remember most about HS is eating lunch...on the bench next to the stairs or out on the sunny sidewalk when it was cold. Or on half days when we use to go to Steak n Shake. Anyway HS seems a million years ago now. And I'm getting senioritis of a different kind, the college version. Which causes prolonged staring at light sockets while THE MOST ANNOYING TEACHER plays air guitar and says the same wacked out phrases a thousand times. And becoming aggrivated when another one gives no structure and changes due dates faster than the speed of light. Oh and last but not least, wasting so much time on the internet or talking to others, complaining about all of this that you could be done with something important like one of the 3 papers you have to write by this time next month. By then my second-to-last semester will be over.

I feel a strange nostalgia for this place recently, but another feeling of suffication from it. I'm outgrowing it, the professors are becoming more annoying, more people know my name. It takes me a long time to become comfortable in places, but as soon as I become completely comfortable I usually out-grow them. Perhaps comfort = conformity and that's something I'm just not ready for. God knows what I'm going on about. Better go read something useful before I quit school altogether and become a traveling dog groomer or something. Now I'm just talking crap...

The Music Outside Head

Actually the music is the punk/rock variety which is blaring from someone's ipod in the computer lab. All I want to do is finish my paper for tomorrow. I'm freezing. I mean COLD. I've been getting this type of cold a lot lately, that kind that doesn't really involve putting on more clothes but warming ones insides. When I was little my mom had to cut the feet out of my pajamas (you know the ones with feet) because my feet got hot and sweated. They still do. But my finger tips and toes get as cold as ice. Must be a circulation problem or something. Well will end this here and try to concentrate on my paper and not the music that's playing outside my head.

PS Trip went well. Wedding was beautiful...some pics of the scenery on my flickr badge, the other family/friends ones are on my flickr account. If you want to see those, ask to be my contact and if I know you I'll let you see them :)

Planes and Automobiles

What's up with the font? This computer is showing all arabic and symbols instead of text! Weird! Anyway, I'm off today into the wild blue yonder of umm Newark! Fun fun. I'm excited about the wedding but I'm getting sick again/still :( My ears hurt, my throat hurts and my eyes are heavy. Argh. Traveling with my two brothers should be fun! I'll take pics and tell you all about it when I get back! Laters (expression I've stolen from Sara!)

After 21 years I should know...

I don't do naps. I either go to sleep or stay up. So when the novacaine from this morning's QUICKEST FILLING EVER made me nauseous and tired all day and I finally laid down around 5:30 I should have known I wouldn't get up in time for dinner. Three and a half hours later I wake up, and my first thoughts are "well I missed dinner," along with "just get changed and go back to bed." Both of which I ignored and got up. This time change stuff is always fun because I have to readjust to it being pitch black by 9pm. Together with my Sprite and Goldfish crackers I contemplate my inability to take naps, and re-evaluate going to bed after all. Its one of the many aspects of myself I use to blame my mom for, because she always told the pre-school teachers not to let me sleep during naptime because I would be awake all night afterwards. Back then I went to bed by 7pm though, when I would suddenly go up to my daddy and say: "bed time!" With outstretched arms waiting to be carried to bed. As my mom use to say, my body clock was amazing and she could set the time by me. If only that would be beneficially now, with clogged ears and a dry/medicine tasting mouth. Wearing my snoopy pajama pants that make me think of freshmen year and the promise of a college-education. I'm about done now, and just wish I could set my body clock to tell time again. And that my mom was here to read it.

"Sometimes the Easy Way Out Is The Right Way Out"

That's a quote from one of my favorites "The Matchmaker." Most of the time, as with many of 'my movies' I put them on then proceed to fall asleep. Because when you can quote a movie backwards and forwards you really don't have to watch it all the way through much.

So the meaning of the quote being, that a dropped publication workshop, basically writing for the school newspaper. I just don't have the time. After THE WORST TEST EVER this morning in Mass Media Ethics and Law, I really have no energy to track down people for quotes and find useless information for articles that don't mean anything but PR for the school, and 'experience' for me. Because every future employer wants to see how I can make up clever phrases in articles about dining hall food or the like. Sorry if I sound cynical...I've been up since 5:30 and my left eye hurts...giving me the worst half headache for hell.

Oh...and happy halloween! So begins the season of anti-climax holidays. Going to buy a bag of candy tonight in case anyone knocks at the door at home. It will be Reeses. Because god help me I need them the night before I get a fill from my dentist, who has a pig nose.

Sunny Florida

I'm watching the 10pm local news. I really really really hate this city's local news. Its like some alternative universe. You know what was the lead story this evening? That its 60F outside. Yeah. Because that's really cold. What planet are you people from? This is NICE weather, not cold. One woman had her scarf and gloves out today, according the news. WTF save the hats and gloves for somewhere that's cooler than 40F. My Galaxy and Cadbury's is gone. I have depleted my illegal ration :( Only about a month and 2 weeks until I can get real chocolate from England! yay! Mmmmm. Might make my second cup of peach tea..its been a long day!

This is Autumn

This is the first day its seemed like autumn in Florida! It might have to do with Hurricane Wilma...but at least it isn't 80F anymore...well for now! Chilly and rainy but not anywhere near cold...I could do with a less rain and a bit more chill but its nice anyway. Not much else to report on...my life is boring. This weekend we had Thanksgiving 0.5 - my sister wanted to cook a turkey to see how it would turn out - since she's never done it before. Well, note to self, learn how to cook a turkey. Because my sister's was ok, but she didn't cook it long enough the first time so it had to be put back in, and it tasted a little funny to me afterwards. If theres another thing I could ask my mom it would be: "how do you cook a turkey?" I vaguely remember her showing my last year though. That's the worst thing about death...there isn't any way to know the answers to things you never thought to ask.

Updated: Note to self - big trucks and big puddles on old streets = soaking wet jeans with cold gross puddle water. All people in cars who race down wet roads and splash innocent bystanders just wanting to get back from the Communications building should be shot. Enough said.

Discovering Destiny ? Or Desperation?

I've you've known me for awhile you'll know the last thing I ever wanted to become was and English teacher. But I've always loved them and their complex knowledge of things that don't really matter but make you think. Well, I'm having an epiphany I think. Because...I think thats what I want to be. Maybe its sentimentality. Or just sheer desperation to find a real career beyond "vague media person." But finances being what they are I probably won't be going to grad school too soon...which I think is good because lord knows I need a break from academia. Hmmm...maybe I've been abducted by aliens...but yes that's my latest thought! Frightening indeed!

Why I'm an English Major

I don't usually post specific stuff about my college on here, but one of my professors just got her book published! Its a major accomplishment anyway but I feel like I'm in on the inside story because she's told us about the publishing process for the past year in her classes.

Sometimes I get frustrated being and English major, because as everyone says: "What can you do with that?" But I like reading and being in the presence of intellectuals. Sure the never-ending papers are annoying, and one cannot know the MLA Handbook enough. It's times like these that I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile...and thats a good feeling.

Anyway, here it is if anyone is interested in looking at it: Reading the Bronte Body: Disease, Desire, and the Constraints of Culture

Avoidance

So I have to read almost 100 more pages by 12:30 tomorrow. And what am I doing? Blogging and watching the last of Martha's Apprentice. Because that will help me read "Lady Audley's Secret" yeah. Other than that, nothing much to blog about. My overall outlook has improved, I guess because I have something to focus on. Not long until Pete and I are together again at least for a little while!

Glimmer of Hope

Finally some good news in my life:

1) I fixed my laptop yesterday (yay me!!)

2) I booked my flight this morning to go to England before Christmas (I'll be home for Christmas Eve and Day though)

3) Pete got some good news regarding a job he's been after...so fingers crossed.

Here I am, Living Under a Rock

Apparently since my mac decided to crash I have been living under a rock because I didn't know that Katie Holmes was pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby. That's freaky. I'm emotional and need a break. Going out to dinner to celebrate my friend, Steph's birthday. Sent Pete's package out for our anniversary....man I can't believe its nearly been 7 years since we met online!! He better love me because it costed a FORTUNE to send (if a fortune is $35). Speaking of the devil, I have to head back to my room to call him since the comps at the library don't allow any IM programs so thats our only other means of communication. Bah.

Feeling totally unmotivated today! Have a breif article due at 3:30 so I should do that fast. Not digging working for the paper this semester, none of my stuff is getting published, I get the crap stories, and basically I just don't care. So I might drop that "class" its only one credit hour and I've already taken it before so I don't really need it.

Pete and I have been talking about the whole "where to live" question lately. Basically it depends on jobs at the moment, if he still doesn't have anything decent by January we're going to re-evaluate the situation and see what we come up with. Now that one place is looking more possible than the other, I'm longing for the opposite one and coming up with positives for that! God only knows what we'll end up doing.

The Crap of Life

On the night before everything is due...my mac won't turn on. WONDERFUL. I'm isolated from chatting on AIM or MSN until futher notice. And I'm pretty much sleeping in the library tonight. Woohoo.

The Saturday Night That Never Was

Part 1
Ok, it all started like this. I ended my 5+ hour treck of paper writing in the library - where I posted yesterday's rant about that god forsaken place. Then I packed up my crap (most of which was already still packed from last weekend) and headed home around 5:15 p.m. I made it about halfway home, to Marineland (which is a low-budget Sea World type place that has been closed for awhile, and a town). My car magically stopped working, luckily I was able to pull into the UF research building thing there (I thought of Sara) and called my dad. He thought the engine might be wet from puddles (since its been raining 24/7 here for the past week mostly). So I turned the car off and then back on...it seemed to be driving ok. And then I stopped again right in front on the sign for the town of Hammock. I've always wanted to blog about the random town names on that part of AIA between Flagler and St. Aug...anyway.

So there I was, on the side of the road...it was probably around 5:45 by then. I called my dad again, he thought it might be the oil. I checked the oil, it seemed a bit low, so I put some oil in the there that I found in the truck - lucky I thought right? Still wouldn't drive. Then I overhear my dad telling the woman who's daughter sold him the car. He then asked me how much gas I had in the car. "A quarter of a tank," I said. My dad replied by saying that he forgot to tell me when he bought that car, that the gas gauge on it was messed up. A quarter of a tank means its EMPTY. I ran out of gas! But it wasn't my fault.

Part 2

My dad called AAA, said it was an emergency and they said they'd be there asap, an hour at the latest. Ok. This was probably around 6:15. It would have taken my dad longer to drive there so I waited. Time really passes slow when you have NOTHING TO DO, sitting on the side of the road, with car whizzing past you. So I called my dad back a few times, I called my sister, and I read "The Robber Bride" by Margret Atwood for my Literature and Women class. By around 7pm my dad called my back again. AAA somehow thought that near Marineland sounded a lot like MIAMI so guess what? THEY WENT THERE. (For those who don't know Miami is like 5 hours south of us). YEAH IT GOT THAT BAD. It started getting dark and I started getting tired. Finally, my dad called back again to say my brother Chris was coming to get me, so that we could go get gas, and then I could drive home. By 8:30 I was on my way merrily down the road. Emotion, Exhausted, and knowing that my dad owed me big time. And to never trust AAA again, because even after being dispatched AGAIN to the RIGHT PLACE - they never came.

That was my Saturday night that never was.

My Evening in the Car...

I'll explain tomorrow...but I spent close to 3 hours sitting in my car on the side of the road, in a town called Hammock. To be continued...

Library on Saturday

The temperature I'm sure is about 10 below 0. My fingers are frozen as I type. Someone on another computer is pounding their fist on the wood of the desk to make random noise. The french girl across from me keeps on TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE, at least she finally put it on silent! Sometimes I wonder why I stay here on the weekends to work...I freeze to death and have to listen to random people avoiding work just like me. Back to my paper...

Autumn Girl

I remember seeing this skin on BlogSkins.com probably last autumn and really liking it. I was going to change to it yesterday but I had to find a code that would take off the blogger navigation bar because it chopped off the girl's hat and some of the text on the right side.

I really like it. I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, so I was thinking of leaving the old template up until the end of the month but I just needed a bit of color! Plus I love the limited autumn we get here lol basically a break from the heat :)

I might set up a seperate blog (as if I need another one) or a geocities site for in memory of my mom sometime soon, when I have a break from school...speaking of which I should go start my essay that's due on Tuesday..ahh.

Memorial Poem ~ Author Unknown

We do not need a special day to bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake we know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache as we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you no one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you, your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly; in death we love you still.

There will always to be a heartache, and often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory of the days when you were here.
If tears would make a staircase, and heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven and bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts; and there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives until we meet again.
Our family chain is broken now, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

Pride and Prejudice!

I feel like I live and breathe Jane Austen at the moment, since I just read Sense and Sensibility for my Romantic and Victorian Lit class, and am now reading Pride and Prejudice for my Women and Lit class. Yeah, lost of Austen and lots of literature. But I'm SO excited about this movie coming out. Its already out in England (want to be there just for that ! :( ) But it'll be in theatres here Nov. 18 woohoo. You can see a little trailer here.

Death by Starbucks: My Latest Addiction

My downfall began when Molly's (the college snack bar/coffee place) started 'proudly brewing' Starbucks coffee. Now, with normal budget constraints I usually refrain from Starbucks unless its a treat. But with this new acquisition of Starbucks on campus I began to falter. The main reason: I get $100 worth of 'Molly's money' on my student ID card because I live on campus and therefore am subjected to the eatable delights of the dining hall. As I type this, my fingers twitch with the familiar buzz of caffeine and sugar jolting through my veins as I consume my tall, white chocolate mocha. I get at least 3 of these per week, sometimes more. I know my balance for my free money is getting low, but I can't help myself. This cup is my demise:

A Whole Lot of Nothing Much

Not much to report on here, just papers, articles, presentations, and all that fun stuff. Loving my new car - I went to Target the other day and got cute seat covers for it and a flip flop shaped air freshener, which reminded my of my future mother-in-law. Speaking of the Queen, she and the rest of the royal court are living it up, in somewhere I've never heard of, on holiday. I swear I don't think my in-laws and co. are ever not on holiday. But thats another reason why I love them.

So Pete had been home alone and fending for himself, so I've been calling him on the phone since we're both alone and therefore, lonely. I'm thinking about going there for almost 2 weeks before Christmas, that way I can spend some time with Pete and his family. Plus it would be weird not to see Pete until just before the wedding!

Oh, speaking of the big w-word, my sister and I went to a wedding expo on Sunday. I guess I should do a bit about what I'm thinking of from that, what I still need to do and etc on my wedding blog. Well that's about it for now.

I Say Goodbye...and Hello

This may very well be the last day I ride in you, my little Toyota Tercel. Well, this isn't goodbye forever, but soon Chris will probably make you spantaneously combust. I'll miss riding down A1A looking at the beach with you. I'm sorry for running you into that fence at Lopez...for letting you get broken into...and for generally not cleaning you very much. But we've had 5 fun years together, and you're getting old. I hope you don't take this personally...but I'm on to greener pastures. Goodbye my friend, I will remember you fondly as my little car that always got me where I had to go.

______________________

Hello new car, with your air conditioning and sun roof. You're newer and brighter, like a fire engine, and although I never saw myself in a red car I can see myself driving you. You're comfortable and dark inside with tinted windows that I'm not quite use to yet but I think we'll be good together. I'm not sure how long I'll have you: it might be less than a year, or longer. But I'll try to wash you more often than I did my tercel, though that probably won't happen. But I won't run you into a fence...well at least I hope not! We shall be good friends...

My Saturday

Was your Saturday as exciting and impressive as mine? ....



No, I didn't think so...

Calendar Girls

I got Calender Girls (2003) from the previously viewed section at Blockbuster over the weekend for $8 woohoo. I wanted to get it for awhile but since Pete's nan has it I always figured I'd just borrow it from her when I was over there and see it, then decide if I wanted to get it on DVD. But $8 isn't bad so I bought it. I really like it, again it was one of those movies I didn't know what to expect and it was surprisingly good! I laughed out loud and cried a bit too, which is always a marking of a good movie. 7 out of 10 stars :)

The Couple Who Blogs Together....

Well just has headaches from messing around with templates all the time..wait thats only me... Pete has a new blog for game reviews...not for tender ears...he has a way with words. English Rednecks Rants & Reviews

Because I have no life...

I started another blog!

From Anglophile to Expat Yeah I know, I have too much time on my hands!

Rest in Peace

My dad's brother, David, passed away today. He had cancer, although they don't know if he knew he had it but he slipped into a coma and passed away. I cried because life is just so unfair, and I know how his wife and children feel and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. RIP Uncle David.

Not too much to say but aren't we adorable? ;)

First and foremost...a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish to Sara!! Eddie will be here soon and I shall enjoy him before passing him on!! (This is in reference to Eddie Izzard, the comedian, on DVD...and is nothing dirty!)

Well I think I'm having an identity crisis. I just don't know who I am or what I want. Sometimes I think I want to stay here, be with my family, etc. and then I end up spending the whole weekend alone looking after the dogs and cleaning the house. I know everyone's busy but I just feel so alone. At least in England my mad in-laws are always doing something we can be included in, and there are the age old social gatherings of candle parties...which basically are the same as any other party to my in-laws...and excuse to drink, and the candles are an added bonus.

So I don't know. I'm thinking I'll stick with our current plan: me moving to England, then if we decided to move back we go through the visa process in reverse. That way we both can work (assuming we get jobs!) so that we MIGHT/MAYBE be able to afford our own place in the next 100 years. Oh yeah.

Well, back to my current life...including a messy and cold dorm room, a shower that has to be heated up, and Mass Media Ethics and Law at 10am.

New Template...yet again! Any thoughts??? I like it so I guess thats all that matters really ;)

My friend Steph let me borrow her copy of The Wedding Date>. I don't think the movie ever made it to cinemas or if it did it was only there for a little while. I have to say I really like it, but then again I like small, kind of quirky movies like that. My rating: 6 out of 10 Stars :)

10 Years Ago

I was 11 and just starting 6th grade at OLL..I had tons of homework to do everynight...somethings never change! I started having a crush on Mike Metz..which lasted far too long! My sister had just gotten married in June...I thought 23 was way too young to get married (LOL).

5 Years Ago

I was 16 and starting my junior year at Lopez. I became better friends with Sara because we had English Honors class together. I had known Pete for almost 2 years, and my mom and I went to England for the first time to meet his family in June/July of that year.

1 Year Ago

I was starting my junior year at college. We were being hit by what number 2 or 3 of the 4 or 5 hurricanes we had in 2004! My mom was staying in my dorm room with me, after we had driven all the way up to Georgia and decided to come back again all in the same day. We were just thinking about wedding plans and didn't have anything booked (well we don't have much now but anyway...)

Yesterday

Went to class, ate, read for Mass Media Ethics...and watched 4 Weddings and a Funeral.

5 Snacks I Enjoy

Le Creme Yogurt, Reeses, Cadburys in the UK, Guylian seashells, and sour cream & onion potato chips.

5 Songs I Know All The Words To

Ummm Elton John songs (yes I'm sad), When You Say Nothing At All (Ronan Keating), almost all of the songs off the latest U2 CD because I always have it playing in my car...

5 Things I Would Do With $100 Million

Donate to Breast Cancer Research, the American Cancer Society, Humane Society etc. Buy a house in the US and the UK, buy another house in each for each family to stay in when they visit. Pay off the house for my dad. Spend a lot decorating the houses I bought. Put some in savings and then just blow the rest on stuff I really don't need hehe.

5 Things I Would Never Wear

Gigantic gold hoop earrings, crop tops, 4+ inch heels, anything with a lot of furriness to it.

5 Favo(u)rite TV Shows

Ab Fab, Mad About You, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, Friends

5 Biggest Joys

Pete, spending time with my family, traveling by plane, spending time with Pete's family, and I guess the wedding will be...

5 Favourite Toys

DVD player, Computer/Internet, TV, my car, digital camera.

5 People I Tag (meaning online friends I visit)

Gem, Jennie, Fiona, Miriam, Sarah (Ace's wife)...and a whole lot more!

So here I am...

I think I'm going to change the template for this blog over the weekend. Been considering closing it down but I think I'll just start a new one after the wedding, mostly about us being married, living together, probably living in England (we're back to debating this again but for now we've decided to stick to our original plan). But this template never really formatted well and I've downloaded another one from the same site so hopefully that'll work better.

Avoiding reading, its only the first full week of school and I just can't catch up with it. So glad I'm only taking 4 classes this semester! I guess all that busting my butt in previous semesters paid off..but I still feel totally overwhelmed. Oh well I'll get through it.

Been having dreams but also sleeping pretty good so I don't feel totally drained most of the time. I think I'm getting sick...or it might just be from my wisdom teeth coming in (I think my mom told me once that she felt the same kind of pressure and pain in her ears and throat when hers were coming in.)

If my mom were still around she'd probably be in New Orleans helping the Katrina victims. She'd probably load her van up with old bedspreads from the motel, that huge supply of canned goods she always kept in the house in case of such emergencies, and other stuff and drive up there. Then she'd probably bring people back with her, give them rooms at the motel to stay, and let them help out around there for payment. That's just the kind of person she was and I think thats what I miss most about her.

Today in my weird Great Short Stories class the wacko professor asked the question: "Have you ever really felt your parents' love?" And I started tearing up because I always did from my mom. In the few months before her death especially, she would say she loved me and when I would say it back she would reply: "You don't have to say anything in return, I just wanted to tell you that." And when I would get upset about anything major...most recently over my Uncle's partner's death in July... I remember how she would hug me as I was sobbing and she would hug me so tight sometimes I couldn't breath. And all these thoughts came flooding back to me in class. And just like I'm doing now...my eyes welled up with tears.

I slept good last night..yay! Didn't go to sleep at all until 11pm and then got up at 7am yay.

So before I left for England, my mom got me this 27" TV with Dvd player and VCR all-in-one to bring to school with me. Well...I tried to use the dvd player last night to watch an episode or 2 of Mad About You or Seinfeld before bed. And the DVD player didn't play either disk...it sounded as though it was about to and then something to stuck and it started to make a clicking noise.

So I tried other DVDs. The only DVDs that would work were those that are 2 sided you know the ones, mostly for older films that have standard screen size and wide screen size on different sides of the disc. And Sliding Doors worked too...but that wasn't 2 sides it just didn't have an image label on the front, just the title of the movie on the disc itself. So does anyone know if its possible for a DVD player not to play dvds with labels on them? Or maybe the ones I picked just weren't clean enough or something? I'm confused!

So my procrastination tactics begin early...I should be reading Madame Bovard but I'm blogging instead...surprise, surprise.

I moved into my new room on Tuesday, and classes began yesterday. I'm taking 3 english/literature classes and 1 communications class. I have 12 novels to read, in addition to other text books. Plus I'm doing the paper again this semester, so I actually have stuff to put in my portfolio in the spring.

My sleep patterns still haven't regulated...last night I had a nightmare which wasn't even about my mom. Actually my mom was still alive in it, but my niece and nephew died. Talk about shocking, I almost had to call my sister up to make sure they were fine. Other than that I don't have dreams, I just can't sleep. At home I was getting into a pattern of one night I wouldn't fall asleep until 1am and get up at least around 7am at the latest, and then next I would go fall asleep on the couch watching tv around 8pm and wake up, and go to bed around midnight, and then get up around 6am. Since I've been at school though I've been falling asleep around 9pm...waking up around 11:30 and then going to bed...and getting up around 6:30am.

Other than that things are good here, I still feel like there's a part of me missing. I don't feel as lost as I did when it first happened, I feel a bit more independent, but a bit detached from everything as well.

Today I pack up my things to begin my 4th and final year of college. I remember all the others years that she came with me on the big move, with all my stuff packed in the van. Last year it was only her and I doing it together: moving in and moving out again. We always fought as we tried to join the hoards of other students and their parents lugging big boxes, TVs, and bedding in old elevators that couldn't fit them all. She'd have a plan to put as much on the kart as possible to make the move faster, while I'd want to make more trips with fewer things to carry each time. But after all the arguing, drama, and chaos, we'd get all my stuff into the room and go to the pizza place downtown for tortellini salad and a white pizza.

So tomorrow as my dad, my brothers, and I lug too many boxes along with the hoards of other people doing the same; I'll think of her and smile at the chaos of it all. And then go have tortellini salad...just like we would have done if she were here.

Fiona introduced me to this site: Bless This Chick. I submitted my online name: PrincessJuls and got back my picture today :)



Edited: Oops they have temporarily suspended submission for names but when they open it up again be sure to check it out!

A Great Many Things

On windy, rainy days...which happen more here in Florida than the tourism boards would like you to believe...my mom and I use to get an array of snacks and sit down and watch movies. If it was especially cold and gloomy it'd be designated as the perfect day to watch Little Women.

During those long, cozy afternoons my mom and I use to talked about all the characters as if we knew them...and mostly praise Jo and complain about how spoiled Amy was. My mom was the definitive Jo...loud, outspoken, confident, but still searching for her real direction in life. There's a single line in the movie that sums up my mom's life perfectly.

When Jo leaves Concord for New York, meets Professor Bhaer, and attends a discussion about current affairs she is told that she should have been a lawyer. Her response to that statement was, "I should have been a great many things, Mr. Mayer".

I can still hear my mom reciting it...and the truth was she was a great many things in her lifetime...and each of those things: mother, friend, carer, protector, advocate, student, wife, daughter, niece, motelier, landscaper, artist...meant so much to so many people. She had such a presence that now, the world seems quieter. But I can still hear the music in my head...a vague mixture of the great many things she was.

I've been thinking about watching Little Women lately, but the weather isn't right...and when it is...it will be a solomn day.

Here We Go Again

As if I didn't have enough on my mind at the moment: Hurricane Katrina Ahhh.

Last year during Hurricane Frances, I think, my mom said in my room with me at school. Of course she talked to everyone...I joked that she met more people in a few days than I had in the previous 2+ years. But she was just that kind of person. I think myself being sentimental about little things of hers...clothes, her van, the message she wrote on the dry erase board in the kitchen just to the right of the computer "Good Monring...Have a Great Day!" I guess I feel if I lose those things I'll lose all of her forever.

What Would Have Been

For the last 3 weeks or so (since coming back home from my second home) I've felt as though I'm living in some alternative reality..kind of like Sliding Doors. Yeah, I know, I love that movie so sue me already.

Anyway, the alternative me that didn't get the tragic news on August 2nd would be on a boeing 747 powered by the almighty Virgin Atlantic Airways on her way back home after almost a month. A part of me wishes I was that girl...that my only tears would be over leaving Pete...that my mom would be at the airport to meet me as I walked over to baggage claim like all the other times before. And with that last sentence a single tear drop streams down my cheek.

But it wasn't meant to be I guess. We had a good week, carefree week together in England. But I guess I was meant to be jolted back into my current reality. It has its advantages...I'm mostly over my double jet lag, I've been able to unpack just in time to re-pack for school. I've gotten to spend time with my bestest friends...especially my faithful Lopez crew including Sara, who is about to leave us for great adventures in Edinburgh.

So, I no longer think of the last 3 weeks as carefree time taken away from me. But rather, extra time given for my last summer ever at home...if things go as planned at the moment. And I guess that's the last gift my mom could give me...but I still wish she didn't have to. But that's life...and death.

I guess its just on the mac that the dates after the first post aren't in the blue heading boxes? Probably. Now with all that work I don't even know if I like it that much LOL better leave it for now after spending all day yesterday figuring the coding out!

Can anyone good with coding help me? I'm trying to change my blog template to this one but I'm having trouble with the coding of it...ie how to get my blog content to fit into the frames where they're suppose to be. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Here's another song that makes me think all that has happened in the past 3 weeks:

Wake Me Up When September Ends ~ Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Live Like You Were Dying

I heard this song on the radio today and had to sing along. It reminded me of my mom turning it up and singing along to it, me rolling my eyes and telling her to stop. But today I sang along, and couldn't help crying when I got to the chorus. My mom got the chance to live like she was dying twice...once while she was fighting breast cancer in 1998 and again in the last few months, only she didn't know it the second time. Anyway, this isn't suppose to be depressing, I swear.

Live Like You Were Dying ~ Tim McGraw

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

If you're reading this it means I resisted all urges to take my return trip to England with Pete, even after the airport attendant tempting me with "are you sure?" and "this is your last chance...". I knew I had to stay, but I wished I could go just get away from reality again for a little while. But there are papers to go through, bags to pack, and a new room to be moved into soon. All without her. These past two weeks have been by far the hardest of my life, and yet I feel strangely independent and scared of that. I guess I'll survive because the alternative can't be better, can it? Probably not. I should probably write this in the journal Kamie sent me, instead of on here, but in a way I don't want to be alone with my thoughts...Does that make any sense?

Today Pete's leaving, the worst part is I have a ticket too but no way to get home from England if I go. Its like torture, a part of me just wants to hop on the plane and not think about anything else. But the other part of me knows I have to stay here, get this place cleaned up, get ready for school, and finish my last year. The little things make me miss my mom the most, a pair of her gardening shoes on the steps of an apartment at the motel, the back porch where she use to spend most of her time. Its getting easier every day, but it still hurts like hell. I might go to her niche later today just to spend some time thinking about her. I just wish I got to say goodbye.

Bless This Woman

Tomorrow we're placing my mom's ashes in a niche at a local cemetary, the spot is overlooking the beautiful garden and facing a magnolia tree like the ones in our backyard. The other day I got this breast cancer pin to place in the niche as a momento as my mom was a breast cancer survivor:



You can read a bit about the pin here.

Mother and Daughter

The day before we came back home, Pete bought me this figurine to remember my mom by. Just thought I'd share it with you all.

The Day the Music Died

Thanks for all your support, the emails and tags on here, and for those who have sent flowers and cards. My mom passed away unexpectedly a week ago yesterday. They suspect it was a heart attack, though we haven't gotten the official word in yet. To anyone who knew her, or anyone that even heard about her, my mom was an amazing person. She had such a presence and gave so much to so many people that everyone feels lost without her, me most of all. We had a special bond, which I use to say meant that she made me do everything, but now I see it was in preparation for her being gone.

Pete and I were in England when it happened. We'd gone into Basildon to do some shopping, just for things we wanted to pick up. We went to a few DVD shops, he had to go the Job Center, and then we went to Asda (which is owned by Walmart). As we approached the CD/DVD section his mobile phone rang. We thought I'd be his friend Kate, but it was his mum. I remember Pete saying something about me not being on the phone with him but close, and then he told me to wait there while he walked away about 20 ft. I remember his face from that far away and I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't tell me what it was, which annoyed me because I thought it was about someone in his family. He said his mum was picking us up at a certain spot so we raced in that direction passed the crowds of people. I'm usually good under stress but I had to tell him to slow down because I felt numb and couldn't breathe. I guess we both looked in a state because a man who walked passed us asked if everything was alright. We got into his mum's car and drove home, I remember being so worried about Pete if something happened to one of his family members or friends. We got in the house, and I remember Pete's mum asking him if he wanted to tell me or if he wanted her to. That's when I knew it had to do with me. He took me into his room, closed the door, and made me put my bag on the floor.

It was the most surreal moment of my life. I remember him telling me the news, me wailing and him crying. Then I went numb and became frantic to get in touch with someone at home.

We got a charter flight out of London last Thursday and arrived around 3pm in the afternoon. The viewing was on Friday and the funeral on Saturday. Everyday is a little better and I get use to her not being here with us in person, but I know her spirit is with all of us and in every life that she touched.

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory of My Mom

Barbara Ann



February 2, 1956 - August 2, 2005

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has
Breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've been here a week now, its gone by fast but at the same time I feels like I've been here for ages and still have 3 weeks and a day to go. Been shopping a bit at Next the first day I was here and got:








And Lin got me this bag:

Puddle Jumping

Arrived at Gatwick around 7:30am yesterday, a bit late, very tired, but good. No matter what seat I choose from VA's website as my living space for the 8 and a bit duration of the flight I always seem to get behind the "SOD YOU TRAVELLER." You know the type, they don't care that another person is a mere 10 inches behind them, they will push their seat back AS FAR AS IT WILL GO ie into your lap so that your tray table is pretty much digging into your ribs. Well of course, this time was no different. I thought perhaps I'd be lucky and get at least the middle seat empty so that I could stetch a bit. A second after I said that a father and son walked up and killed my dream. The father reassured me, glancing at the -10 inches of space I had, "that'll have to go up soon, but the you know it'll just come down again." Yes, state the obvious why don't you? Bah.
Then miracle of miracles, the old couple that were sitting behind me decided to snag some empty steats right behind a galley (should have done myself but I didn't see them - bah.) So I swooped in and took the aisle seat behind me. So the woman at the window and I shared the middle seat for a bit of stretching out space, trash, and the like.
Surprisingly, the movies were kind of decent, so I saw HITCH once through, and bits of it again and MISS CONGENIALITY 2 - which was surprisingly good as my movie critic fiance previously told me.
Got througout immigration alright, weird to think its the last time I'll go through with a spousal visa (if all things go right of course.) VERY WEIRD. But being here again it feels as though I should be here, its weird to explain but it feels like home. Not that my actual home ie where I was raised, live currently, and where my parents are, isn't - but this is as well.
As for my inlaws, as mad as ever. Lin has lost a TON of weight so I officially hate her for that but she looks terrific and I'm glad I'll have a dieting buddy to keep my progress up while I'm here. On the wedding front I gave Lin their Save the Date and will give the others out as well while I'm here. A little over 10 months until we're married!!!! That's even scarier to think about!

Pond Hopping

I'm pond hopping tomorrow evening...thought I'd share a pic I took back in ummm early 2002 (the date says 11/06/2002 but I think its from January 2002 and the date was just messed up on the camera:



This is how much my in-laws and their friends drink - I think that was over New Years and it was only HALF the bottles (the rest were inside) LOL.

Deja Vu

Or something like it:

Latest Attacks in London - Today

It's amazing how we become desensitized so quickly, only one person mentioned it to me today here at my internship. But then again this is America and as much as I hate to admit it, we don't always care too much about what happens in other countries especially if its with minor injuries. Pete not in London today, so my stomach is normal and not tied in knots.

I'll be there on Tuesday...sort of reconsidering my idea about going to the London Eye during this trip..one of the few major attractions in London I haven't been to yet. I'm not afraid, but cautious.

Found on Lydia's blog:

Your True Birth Month Is July

Tactful Honest Friendly Secretive Homebody Sentimental Hardworking Approachable Fun to be with Has reputation Not revengeful Easily consoled Very emotional Wary and sharp Waits for friends Likes to be quiet Witty and snarky Caring and loving Loves to be alone Overly concerned Loves to be loved Treats others equally Puts in effort in work Takes pride in oneself Moody and easily hurt No difficulties in studying Strong sense of sympathy Forgiving but never forgets Quiet unless excited or tensed Not aggressive unless provoked Concerned about people's feelings Temperamental and unpredictable Judge people through observations Easily hurt but takes long to recover Guides others physically and mentally Dislikes the nonsensical and unnecessary Difficult to fathom and to be understood Sensitive and forms impressions carefully Always broods about the past and the old friends

What's Your True Birth Month?

Have very exciting news I posed on my wedding blog if anyone cares :)

Great Packing Extravaganza 2005 started over the weekend, but hasn't been touched since then. I'm thinking I'll start the major packing on Friday after my internship is over..that's if I don't need to work at the motel. I can't believe I'm leaving Monday!! Woohoo!

You Are 26 Years Old

26 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Found on Heidi's blog:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hmmm pretty true except for the last two....

Then I found this from a link on that site...not surprising lol:

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

I'm American I Need Stuff

I'm a complusive over-packer, it's a genetic thing I inherited from my mother. She just went up to NJ for a funeral and brought: one big suitcase and a larger soft side cooler that she used as another checked in bag. She brought like 5 different handbags with her...she was only gone a week. I'm not much better.

"At least your not as bad as your mother," Pete's mum says to me. "We needed two cars when both of you came over." Yes, we had 4 suitcases in the summer of 2000. One was full of...wait for it...chocolate. Apparently after her 3 weeks of nothing but Cadbury's in Ireland in about 1980, my mom decided she wouldn't get stuck again starving. So we brought a suitcase full of chocolate.

This time I'm trying to be better, but I know I'll end up with my 2 trusty suitcases. The black one, which I've secured together with duct tape, because it's falling apart. And the blue American Tourister, which weighs a ton before I fill it. Yes. I'm American I need stuff. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yup new template. You still have to click back on the blog to post after clicking the comments though - you thought I'd make it easy right?

A Letter from London

Sasoozie posted this on her blog and I thought it summed London's thoughts accurately:

http://www.lnreview.co.uk/news/005167.php

Terror on the Underground and an Ocean Away

Pete usually doesn't go to London, especially at rush hour. This week he did and for 3 days it didn't seem worrying until yesterday.

Thank god he arranged for his friend Kate to call me (getting my brother on the phone while I was in the shower) who told me Pete was ok despite what happened. I didn't know what happened.

Unusually I had just gotten out of bed at 7am and before checking anything online I jumped in the shower. After getting the message that something had happened, I turned on the TV and frantically moved the channels to a news station. CNN told me what I was wondering - bombings on the London Underground. At least Pete was safe.

Pete, his mum, grand parents, and friends of the family were working in London this week doing robing for graduations at a University. The train they were on from Liverpool Street missed the chaos by 15 minutes. Thank God.

I had knots in my stomach all day at my internship. I dialed Pete's mobile number frantically over and over again trying to get the network to connect me to his voice. I had to make sure myself that he was ok. It's amazing what scenarios you think about when you don't know. What if anyone with them is hurt? What if they were stuck somewhere? What if he told Kate to call me just so I wouldn't worry? What if....

They were safe at the university, apparently the graduation had to go on, and they had to dress students who didn't want to be there. Not because they didn't care, but because their they wanted to find out about their own friends and family that might be affected by the chaos.

After such an unusual day, Pete and his family got seats on the underground going back home. They all sat down. His mum got out grapes and asked if anyone wanted some..."Grapes anyone?" I guess life goes on.

------

I finally got in touch with Pete around 2pm on his mobile through a bad connection. It was so great to hear his voice.

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Hmmmm not too much going on here....less than 3 weeks until I'm in England! yay. I know it hasn't been long since Pete left but it just feels so weird being here this time of year. I was actually in the country for the 4th of July!!! Woohoo. Actually it was pretty crap...I spent it cleaning and watching tv and feeling depressed. But whatever.